My Midnight Story

Though I am in a better place right now, it still gives me goose bumps every time I think about the life I have once had. The world is full of surprise and be careful of what you wish for because you may just get it. Or in other words, you might be able to get it, but it would be slightly different than what you expect.

Back then, I thought I was nut for wishing to be able to go back to the past to witness all that had happened. I mean, way back in the ancient time. The further the past, the better for me. My boyfriend even said that I was crazy for wanting to go to the past where there were no T.V, no internet, no oven, no washing machine, no soda, no candies, especially no toilet and toilet paper. For some reasons, I was intrigued to want to discover those times. It felt like I should live in the past instead of the present that I once lived.

Then, sometimes I wish I could go back to my high school years where I could fulfill my duty as a student. I missed so many classes and so many chances to catch up with people my ages. I was always the older in my class because I missed three years of school. It was a bit embarrassing because I was supposed to be the bigger sister to my classmates instead of being on the same level as them. It had sadden me every time I thought about it. I often asked why my fate had to be like that. Why did I have to miss 3 years of shcool. Why, why and why,...? Then sometimes I was just happy because it was the way it was at that present because if it wasn't for all that, I wouldn't have ended up with one of the man that I had loved so much.

I was a total confused, greedy person who wanted it all. Who wanted to do everything by herself. Who wanted to build a business for her family. Who tried so hard to create a working system so she could relax and travel the world for business. It was tough and there was time I wanted to give up all that. I always wanted a simple life and be happy with what I had. I couldn't have it because I still felt there was burden on my shoulder that I had to resolve before I could live my simple life. If I ran away, I was being selfish and not caring about my family.

I didn't want to hate my life, but I just wished that it could be better than the life I had gone through. I wished I was born in a better family where there were Mom and Dad. I wished I were a princess who would live in doll house like fairy tale. Even though I was quite a realistic person, I sometimes wished those things. Still I accepted the fact that it was what it was. I could never change the fact that I had to get up on my own and do everything by myself.

To be continued ....

The Chicken Feather Broom Men

My grandma was the kind of person that didn’t really have a plan for what she was going to do. She always did what came into her head and never thought of the consequences after.It happened when I was six years old after we had arrived in Cambodia.

The motorcycle driver dropped us in front of the jewelry store. My grandma asked him to wait for us because she had to go to sell her ring in order to pay him. He agreed to wait for us. My grandma looked so excited opening her purse. Suddenly, her face turned red. Her hands went through the purse hastily, over and over again. She looked up to me and asked, “Did you see a small bag in my purse?”“What bag grandma?” I was surprised, and I didn’t understand what she was talking about.“There was a small red paper bag that had a ring in it,” she said.“No, I’ve never seen one.”“If we can’t find the ring, we won’t be able to pay the driver, and we can’t have a place to stay tonight,” she almost cried.I was numb and shivering. I couldn’t say anything. I was worried about us tonight, tomorrow on the street. It was so hot that the motorcycle driver was covered in sweat. He seemed to be no longer patient to wait for us. He moved toward to my grandma, and said something to her. My grandma also said something to him. After that, he looked upset, but it seemed he couldn’t do anything, so he got on his motorbike and left.With an empty pocket, we wandered around the city. Holding on to my grandma’s right hand, we were walking without knowing where to go. We walked under the shades of the trees that lined up on the sidewalk. It looked similar to our city in Vietnam. At that moment, I wished we were still at home. “Where are we going grandma?” I asked.“I’m trying to figure it out. Maybe we will go find my friends. I think they’re around here, but I don’t remember which way. We will ask direction as we go along,” she said and kept looking around.

I was so exhausted, and felt like it was our end of life. I was worried. I was thinking about where would we stay that night, and how we would get food. We were in a different land and we didn’t really speak the language. My grandma knew a little Cambodian; still she couldn’t understand much of what people were saying.

Finally, we found a stone chair to sit down. I was so tired, hungry, and thirsty that I couldn’t walk anymore. Then we heard a group of men talking. They were speaking our language. I looked and my grandma and smiled. My grandma face brightened.

Eventually, my grandma decided to go and talk with them. I couldn’t hear what they were talking. I was too shy to get closer. They looked at me pitifully. I could tell that they were sorry for me. My grandma probably told them about our situation and why we were here.

They gathered together, and then one of them came to us, and gave us some money. At last, I actually had food in my stomach. I couldn’t tell whether the food was good, or I was so hungry that I couldn’t stop eating. Everything was perfect!

My grandma didn’t eat. She left all the food for me. She was still talking to those men. They didn’t look any better than us. They were labourers. They walked around selling chicken feather brooms. The feather brooms were made skillfully and beautifully. Each of them carried about twenties sticks long and short. 

After I finished eating, one man came up and said, “ Alright, we need to get going. So we’ll show you the address where we live. You can go there and ask for some more help from other Vietnamese. We have lots of Vietnamese over there. Just tell our name when you meet them, then they’ll help.”

“Thank you so much for helping us. I don’t know when I can pay you back. I appreciate it, really,” my grandma said.

“Don’t worry about it, auntie. Hope you find your daughter soon,” another broom man said.They gathered together and collected money from each of them again.They gave all to us so that we could pay for the motorcycle driver when we got to their place. They called a motorcycle for us. They carefully asked the motorcycle driver to take us to the address they had given to us. It was such a tiring, grateful day that I had ever experienced.

I was so thankful that we met those men. If they hadn’t been there to help, I wouldn't know where we would have ended up.

Life is full of surprises. Just like the old used to say: "there will always light at the end of the tunnel." Right now, somewhere in the world they are; I always wish them all the best. 

Clueless

I am clueless. I am sitting looking at my laptop and thinking and thinking and typing out all these words that I have on my mind because I don't know what to do!
I've been thinking about work and life so much that it drives me crazy and I feel like breaking something so that I can be calmed down.
I'm angry at myself.
I'm scared
I want to run away
I have the idea but I don't know how to start. I suck!
I had like 3 hours of sleep and I can't even go back to sleep even though my eyes are sleepy but my head is wide awake. It hurts. My head hurts.
Some people they can use drug to keep them away from thinking. I can't use drug. I suck.
What to do, what to do, what to do :(

Clueless.

Complication,

Why are we so complicated.
The more we develop, the more complicate we become.
We always look to the future and don't really care about the present even though the present was the future in our past.
Every day we wake up, we always think what should we do to better tomorrow. It's great that we always get what we work hard for...But for what?

To complicate ourselves more.
To make it more complicate for the next generation.
To make our life more stressful
To have less time for those we love
To separate from our own kind
To have excuses to complain
To have excuses to blame
To destroy ourselves & our Earth

We human being will eventually destroy everything that once the Universe has granted us this beautiful planet. Wait for it. It's coming...

~*~

Confession

Here I come again with my little self confession. I have disappeared for quite awhile. It always happens to me. If I'm happy you won't see me, but if my happy mode switches off I'm on here. Who can I talk to when I don't really want these issues of mine effect others. I have to say that Western culture is pretty good with this. They have counsellor for every issue that human being have.

Anyway, it's good to be back to my writing again. I am not sure how long it will last me to be on here though. I often think that the time when I am more artistic or poetic is when I'm lonely and depressed. It's weird isn't it? I have never had the issue with depression but ever since I came to Canada depression is a part of my life. Who could have thought a person who had never worried about life back then is now super stressful and have no idea what to do with her life. I worry so much that I just want to disappear from this world for good. Well there was time that I wanted to kill myself but I didn't because I thought of how precious life is and if I killed myself I will be in sin with my own religion and my own body. So I let the universe decides whenever it wants to take me.

I miss the time when I was a teenager. I miss the time when I was in middle school. I miss those moments of life. I wish I could go back to those times to redo it all over again and this time I would make sure I lived to the fullest of a teenager. I used to think what was the purpose of a person life. You are born. You grow up and go to school for 12 years and then go to college or university for another few years then you get married and have kid and then life goes on like that. Whenever I thought about it, it was boring to me. I wanted something else. I wanted an adventure. I think I have it now; a very complicating one. I think I'm scared.

I don't know why I always wish I could fly like a bird, soaring on the sky freely. I think I'm trapped in my own soul.

Need a Wakeup Call.

Confusion, confusion and confusion.

 I really hate it when I get so deep into something because it's hard for me to get out of it. I'm confused and I can't help it even though I know exactly what I'm confused about. I'm just too chicken to face it...It's easy to think, to say than to do.

I always say to myself, if I can pick it up, I can put it down. But it will take me a lot of energy to actually be able to put it down. It's just a matter of time when I don't know where to go anymore or when I'm totally out of energy to maintain it.

The deeper you go down, the harder you'll be able to climb up...It will take quite awhile.

They say to maintain a relationship, it requires lots of communication. I have done a lot to the point that I'm tired of talking anymore...Maybe, it's not meant to be because sometimes, some of us are meant to be alone even though you really want to be with someone. I'm just so tired, really tired. I feel like I have lost track of myself. I have lost my ability to express myself...Because I'm so sick of talking about the same thing over and over again. If the person doesn't take your words for it, then there's no more point.

I don't force people to do things they don't want to do. I don't do the things I don't like people do to me. One thing I've learned that, if someone cares about how you feel, they would never do anything to upset you or make you cry even though it'll be a little self sacrificed. If the other person thinks that if a little self sacrifice makes him feel trapped, then I don't think the relationship will ever last long. Relationship is a 2 ways thing. Once it's out of balance, the relationship is no more. Once in awhile there will be mistake made, but to the point the other person feel useless toward something she should confront to another...she has lost herself...

I have lost myself...give me a wake up call. Me.

2014-Post

Sometimes, you leave things for a long period of time and totally forget about them. Then suddenly, one day you see them again and all the memories start to pour out like flood...Like in a movie when you can see flashback moments. It's kind of amazing. For some reason, I totally forgot about this blog until now I found it again, it's already 2014. My last post was July 25, 2013. I read the entry and I cannot remember what situation I was in back then that made me write such contents full of sadness. It's weird because for instant I cannot recall any of it, not even a bit :s.

It's already 2014 and the traditional New Year is coming. My New Year resolution is to be working harder and to achieve anything that I haven't done. It's funny because we're kind of saying it every time there is New Year coming. We grow older, life is so much more joyful when we walk slowly and smell the flowers and look around the atmosphere. Living in a fast pace environment like now a day, we get bored quickly and we always find something new to do. It's sad because we have forgotten to appreciate every little thing we have, instead we have taken them for granted.

Words come across my mind...makes me write this lyric
~~~~~~
Question is still in my mind
I wish I could go back in time
To witness how life was back then
As I've learned that...
Every little thing was precious
Every little smile was truly joyful
Every little help was purely granted
Every little word was honestly spoken
Those every little thing gave no doubt
Hardship but peaceful
From the inside...

We've always been looking forward to the peaceful future
But human being always start a fight
The Earth is always moving round
The cycle of history will always repeat itself
Peace will not come
If human will not stop
Being selfish

-Frog Poem-