Confession

Here I come again with my little self confession. I have disappeared for quite awhile. It always happens to me. If I'm happy you won't see me, but if my happy mode switches off I'm on here. Who can I talk to when I don't really want these issues of mine effect others. I have to say that Western culture is pretty good with this. They have counsellor for every issue that human being have.

Anyway, it's good to be back to my writing again. I am not sure how long it will last me to be on here though. I often think that the time when I am more artistic or poetic is when I'm lonely and depressed. It's weird isn't it? I have never had the issue with depression but ever since I came to Canada depression is a part of my life. Who could have thought a person who had never worried about life back then is now super stressful and have no idea what to do with her life. I worry so much that I just want to disappear from this world for good. Well there was time that I wanted to kill myself but I didn't because I thought of how precious life is and if I killed myself I will be in sin with my own religion and my own body. So I let the universe decides whenever it wants to take me.

I miss the time when I was a teenager. I miss the time when I was in middle school. I miss those moments of life. I wish I could go back to those times to redo it all over again and this time I would make sure I lived to the fullest of a teenager. I used to think what was the purpose of a person life. You are born. You grow up and go to school for 12 years and then go to college or university for another few years then you get married and have kid and then life goes on like that. Whenever I thought about it, it was boring to me. I wanted something else. I wanted an adventure. I think I have it now; a very complicating one. I think I'm scared.

I don't know why I always wish I could fly like a bird, soaring on the sky freely. I think I'm trapped in my own soul.

Need a Wakeup Call.

Confusion, confusion and confusion.

 I really hate it when I get so deep into something because it's hard for me to get out of it. I'm confused and I can't help it even though I know exactly what I'm confused about. I'm just too chicken to face it...It's easy to think, to say than to do.

I always say to myself, if I can pick it up, I can put it down. But it will take me a lot of energy to actually be able to put it down. It's just a matter of time when I don't know where to go anymore or when I'm totally out of energy to maintain it.

The deeper you go down, the harder you'll be able to climb up...It will take quite awhile.

They say to maintain a relationship, it requires lots of communication. I have done a lot to the point that I'm tired of talking anymore...Maybe, it's not meant to be because sometimes, some of us are meant to be alone even though you really want to be with someone. I'm just so tired, really tired. I feel like I have lost track of myself. I have lost my ability to express myself...Because I'm so sick of talking about the same thing over and over again. If the person doesn't take your words for it, then there's no more point.

I don't force people to do things they don't want to do. I don't do the things I don't like people do to me. One thing I've learned that, if someone cares about how you feel, they would never do anything to upset you or make you cry even though it'll be a little self sacrificed. If the other person thinks that if a little self sacrifice makes him feel trapped, then I don't think the relationship will ever last long. Relationship is a 2 ways thing. Once it's out of balance, the relationship is no more. Once in awhile there will be mistake made, but to the point the other person feel useless toward something she should confront to another...she has lost herself...

I have lost myself...give me a wake up call. Me.

2014-Post

Sometimes, you leave things for a long period of time and totally forget about them. Then suddenly, one day you see them again and all the memories start to pour out like flood...Like in a movie when you can see flashback moments. It's kind of amazing. For some reason, I totally forgot about this blog until now I found it again, it's already 2014. My last post was July 25, 2013. I read the entry and I cannot remember what situation I was in back then that made me write such contents full of sadness. It's weird because for instant I cannot recall any of it, not even a bit :s.

It's already 2014 and the traditional New Year is coming. My New Year resolution is to be working harder and to achieve anything that I haven't done. It's funny because we're kind of saying it every time there is New Year coming. We grow older, life is so much more joyful when we walk slowly and smell the flowers and look around the atmosphere. Living in a fast pace environment like now a day, we get bored quickly and we always find something new to do. It's sad because we have forgotten to appreciate every little thing we have, instead we have taken them for granted.

Words come across my mind...makes me write this lyric
~~~~~~
Question is still in my mind
I wish I could go back in time
To witness how life was back then
As I've learned that...
Every little thing was precious
Every little smile was truly joyful
Every little help was purely granted
Every little word was honestly spoken
Those every little thing gave no doubt
Hardship but peaceful
From the inside...

We've always been looking forward to the peaceful future
But human being always start a fight
The Earth is always moving round
The cycle of history will always repeat itself
Peace will not come
If human will not stop
Being selfish

-Frog Poem-

My confession...

Eating in a restaurant together yet it feels as if you would rather eating by yourself instead. I used to say, the scariest thing to be with someone is when you lay beside the person and you still feel lonely. Love comes with laughter and always ends with tears. It happens. That's life, and you can't never change it. You can't expect everything to be perfect in your own term. You try to keep up with the other person but you can't because your strength is limited. You're tired and you don't know when you will lose it. It's just a matter of time.

6:21, emotional breakdown. Haven't been able to sleep for the whole night. Fighting, every time, there's fight, it has always been your fault. I guess, it's my fault from the very start.

I, who always think that I would never write such contents like this, complain about relationship.
I, a person who always breaks promise to myself deserve nothing better but worse. I don't know when I'll be a little more responsible about myself.
I, a person who thinks she has everything under control, but it's just a lie. She lies to herself a lot actually.
I, a person who hides under the facade, always end up alone...
Actually, loneliness is my friend. I am a loner ever since I was born.

Thank you for the life 

Is there really afterlife?

There are moments in life when you never think of they will happen and they actually happen (totally off topic).

In these days, I suddenly think about life and death. I feel that if we can control our brains we will be supernatural. The brain of a human is quite powerful.
I have so many questions in my mind. I wonder if we die, do we go to the "afterlife"? Is there a different world beside this? I keep asking those questions to myself. I wish I could witness both but how could I?

I sometimes think of a crazy idea which I would be put to sleep like dead for a period of time so that I could travel to the afterlife where there were others who had already gone way too long from this human world.

I'm right now reading the book "Proof Of Heaven" from Dr. Eben Alexander. He wrote it after he came back from his nearly death situation. The book got right at first time when I stared at it and started to read the summary on the back of the book. In my mind, I said that I had to get the book because I wanted to know how the world there would be. I'm still in doubt. I have to finish the book then I can pass my judgement.

I start my new diary blog again. I have thought that I should get over my old personal blog because it have had so many of my writing that didn't go anywhere. I mean, as person like I am, I don't keep things too long. I get bored quickly and always find something new to do.

Anyway, it's 1:41 Am July 23rd, 2013 Vancouver time. I have to go to sleep soon Q_Q my eyes are closing ;)